Sickipedia

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."#oldbutgold

My son's music teacher called me up and said looks like we have a new Elvis on our hands. I said wow is he that good? She said no we just found him dead on the toilet.#other

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?
Tri-weekly

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly#wordplay

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife...
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, ‘This is powerful medicine.It must be rspected.You take only teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.‘ When you do that, you‘ll become manlier than you‘ve ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.‟ The old man was encouraged.As he walked away, he turned and asked, ”How do I stop the medicine from working?‟ ”Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,‘‟ he responded, ”but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon.‟

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, ”1-2-3!‟

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, ”What was the 1-2-3 for?‟#wordplay

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...Long
‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.”

‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Because I process food and give all of you energy.”

‟I should be in charge,” said the legs, ‟because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

‟I should be in charge,” said the eyes, ‟Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

‟I should be in charge,” said the rectum, ‟Because Im responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work.... The ass hole is usually in charge#other

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...For instance:
‟Ben is in a hurry.”
‟Ben is in a coma.”#oldbutgold

People keep anthromorphising this virus it doesn't have a brain, it doesn't think, it's not intelligent.
It's spreads successfully because those same characteristics also apply to 50% of the population.#other

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private studyMaid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."

Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"

Maid:"No, the gardener."

Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"#other

An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up?

The Devil says, ‟Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.”

‟What?” says God.. ‟An engineer? I did not send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”

The Devil responds, ‟No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”

God demands, ‟If you don't send him to me immediately, I will sue!”

The Devil laughs. ‟Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”#other

What is atheism?A non - prophet organization#wordplay

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who get math jokes and those who don't.#oldbutgold

An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...
They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn’t know how to tell him what she wants. As she’s about to leave in embarrassment, she comes upon an idea. She points at her breasts, and the butcher understands, giving her the duck breast. On the next day, seeing how the previous day turned out, the man asked the woman to go to the butcher to get chicken legs. When she gets there, after a bit of thinking, raises her skirt and points at her thighs. The butcher gets the message and gives her the chicken legs. On the next day, the man asked the woman to go to the butcher to get sausages. Unable to think of anything, she decides to bring her husband to the butcher with her.

Upon arriving, the husband says ‟I’d like some sausages please”.#other

We should've known about the failure of communismIn retrospect, there were a lot of red flags....#oldbutgold

Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes.............Onlyfans#wordplay

Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”#wordplay

My Korean friend died yesterdaySo Yung...#wordplay

The wife and I used to like a night in the pub and enjoyed an active sex life.Then we met each other and got married.#sexandshit

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11Instead it would be IX / XI#other

My girl left me to become an astronaut.She said she needed some space.#wordplay

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager asked if I could perform under pressure.I said, "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."#other